NATURAL HOLISTIC MEDICINE BLOG - Silvia Congost, a renowned psychologist specializing in self-esteem and emotional dependency, recently addressed a critical issue facing long-term couples: the decline of sexual intimacy. Speaking at the BBVA "Aprendemos Juntos" forum alongside Águeda Burgos, Congost emphasized why physical connection remains a cornerstone of a healthy, functioning relationship.
Many individuals enter romantic commitments lacking the necessary emotional education to build and sustain genuine bonds. Congost laments that society often fails to teach us how to communicate effectively, establish healthy boundaries, or nurture our partners from a young age.
Among the myriad of mistakes observed in her clinical practice, the psychologist highlights the abandonment of the intimate sphere as particularly damaging. When a couple ceases to maintain sexual relations for extended periods, the fundamental nature of their bond inevitably shifts.
Congost boldly asserts, "There are many couples who do not have a sexual life, so I do not believe they are a couple. They are friends, they share an apartment, they act as parents, but they do not have a relationship as such."
This perspective does not seek to reduce a relationship solely to the act of sex, but rather to highlight its role as one of three essential pillars. When this aspect disappears without an attempt at recovery, the emotional connection eventually begins to deteriorate as well.
For this reason, she insists that if difficulties arise in this area, seeking specialized help before the problem becomes chronic is vital. She notes that many people, particularly men, often resist professional help, despite the fact that most of these problems are solvable when addressed in time.
Breaking the Cycle of Routine and Neglect
Beyond intimacy, the expert identifies several other behaviors that gradually erode the strength of a relationship. A common pitfall is the cessation of care and attention once the initial, euphoric phase of falling in love has passed.
It is frequent, in her view, for couples to fall into a cycle of routine and neglect after the first few months. They often take the bond for granted, failing to maintain the small gestures and expressions of affection that defined the early days of their romance.
The arrival of children represents another delicate phase that frequently causes couples to lose their way. Congost explains that numerous partners focus all their collective energy on parenting, inadvertently forgetting to reserve exclusive spaces for their relationship, which fosters emotional distance.
A significant portion of relationship conflict stems from poor communication, a hurdle that couples must actively work to overcome. Many individuals expect their partners to instinctively know their feelings, whereas the healthy approach is to express desires, concerns, and discomforts clearly.
As a daily example, she mentions the frustration of someone who expects a compliment after changing their image without communicating that need for validation. For Congost, verbalizing specific needs prevents misunderstandings and reduces unnecessary conflicts that could otherwise be avoided.
The Fatal Flaw of Trying to Change Your Partner
If the specialist had to identify the most significant error in relationships, she is clear: attempting to transform the person with whom you share your life. She explains that many people enter a relationship convinced that specific traits of their partner will naturally change over time.
This expectation, however, almost invariably leads to deep-seated frustration. To help those navigating this difficult situation, she uses a reflective question in her consultations: "If you were told that your partner would be exactly the same in ten years as they are today, would you choose them?"
The response to this question is often quite revelatory for those seeking clarity. When someone needs the other person to change in order to find happiness, the relationship is likely no longer grounded in mutual acceptance and deep respect.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)
Why does Silvia Congost describe sexless relationships as 'flatmates'?
Congost argues that without sexual intimacy, which she considers a key pillar of romantic love, the relationship loses its romantic character. Consequently, the individuals essentially function as friends or co-parents living together, rather than as romantic partners.
What is the most common mistake couples make according to Silvia Congost?
While there are several, Congost highlights the 'fatal error' of attempting to change your partner. She notes that many people enter relationships expecting their partner to morph into someone else, which leads to inevitable frustration.
How can couples avoid the 'routine' trap in long-term relationships?
Congost suggests avoiding complacency by continuing to care for the other person after the initial enamorment phase. This involves maintaining small gestures of affection and intentionally setting aside exclusive time for the relationship, especially after having children.
Why is communication essential for solving relationship conflicts?
Many conflicts arise because partners expect the other to guess their needs or feelings. Congost advises that partners should clearly verbalize their desires and discomforts to avoid misunderstandings and unnecessary friction.
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